Mains

Eggs Benedict
The standard.  Accept no gimmicks.

Eggs Florentine
Right, a Benedict for vegans because we swapped out the ham for spinach.  Okay fine...

Eggs Bullshit
Like a Benedict with a bowl of Fruity Pebbles underneath.  Where are we, Dupont Circle?  No.  Order something else.

Quiche Lorraine
Your Dad made this for your grandmother once like thirty years ago.
She was not impressed.

Croque Madame
Ham and cheese sandwich you eat with a knife and fork.  It gets messy.

Croque Monsieur
a.k.a. portable croque madame

St. Paddy Melt
The eggs florentine of croque monsieurs.

 

Sides

Potatoes Romanoff
Home fries are for suckers.  This is straight potat-O-face.
No need to ask.  It will definitely be on the table.

Sausage Cheese Balls
Incompatible with most major religions, but for once,
evangelicals and atheists can agree on something at the table.

Fruit Salad
My wife said this should be here.

Tartiflette
Regular boring scalloped potatoes turned up to 11.

Swedish Meatballs
Right, like in Ikea.  No assembly required, but a screwdriver is recommended.

 

Beverages

Mimosa
They're tasty, stop judging me.

Screwdriver
What I really wanted instead.

Eggnog
a.k.a. worst hangover ever.

Bloody Mary
No, I will not make you one with an entire fucking rainforest on top.
Years ago when I lived in DC, there was some kind of arms race
over the amount of jungle you would get on your glass at the brunch places.
Sometimes they would set a glass down in front of you and you would think,
"Jesus, I could fall in love with an orangutan in there."

Beer
There's usually some around, but not always.
The only kind certain to be here is what you bring.
Also, seriously, except maybe for a michelada, who has beer with brunch?